Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Decisions, Decisions


I call in the morning and get to speak with Dr. Desch. He's a good guy, we like him.

I mention amputation. He says he can try to repair it again and he doesn't think the lytic spot is cancer. it's probably that damned infection that never wanted to heal. He says he can try with a plate & screws like the last time. But that will be a long heal like before with the infection in there won't it, I ask. He concurs. He could splint it and give her antibiotics until the bone heals & then repair it....another option for a long heal. He could do a bone graft. Again, how will that take if it isn't attached to healthy bone? It won't.

All I want is for her to be a happy, playful girl once again. I want her quality of life to be so free that I don't have to constantly ask her to settle down, always worried about when the next fracture will happen. I want her to run & play with her brother.

Dr. Desch agrees that only an amputation would give that all back to her. We are both sickened over this.

I hold her for a long time, he will not do the surgery today. He has too many other cases & he is the only surgeon there. It's ok, I need time to digest this. Time to come to grips with the fact that I have to make the decision to mutilate my beautiful girl. She is so beautiful.

I cry all the way home. I wish there was another way. I would do anything for her.

I go to visit her around 7PM to be there when she eats her dinner. I take her out to potty. I spend time holding her & crying my eyes out. I take my last look at her beautiful leg, what I can see of it. I rub her muscle. The strong muscle that helped propel her to may victories when she raced. I let her know that I am so sorry that we have to do this to her. I really want her to know that I want her to be free to run and play again. I know she will do that again as soon as she heals.

I go home to have another restless night.

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